In grade two I went to a Christian school and during Easter our teacher took us deep into understanding the torture of death on a cross. You would think this would have a profound effect on a 7-year-old psyche, but the grotesque physical pain was not the main impression on me.
What made my young heart pound and fists clench was the hero of a story not trying to defend himself at all. From the initial court case where Jesus doesn’t argue the charges, to the crowd saying “he saved others but he cannot save himself” as he hangs on the cross, Jesus lets the people have their way with him.
I am particularly struck by this childhood memory because of Buddhism’s, Taoism’s, and even Jesus’ repeated reminders to us to be like children.
As adults, we get concentrated on details, policy and doctrine. Super imposed formulas impressed on words deteriorate true meaning. There is talk of ego and sin and the symptoms and the causes, and we devise roadmaps and rituals, and it all becomes a scientific process.
The only way out is to see again as children see.
A fresh window on pride and the love of the self is opened. The layers of protection we have bound ourselves with can be stripped away when we see as children.
There is a wind in our sails that is very hard to recognize. It is empty but somehow drives us on, and protects itself by doing elaborate dances.
“I am not pride, that over there is pride.”
“But I am right and she is wrong.”
“I have already done enough.”
My mind automatically rebels and slyly dodges left every time I try to grasp it. Some days the main chorus of my mind is purely self-protective measure.
To write an article or do good work I need to deny myself and enter a flow, but my mind keeps butting in with plans to make people like it or to have it shared around. Every now and then I manage to work solely for the joy inspired in my soul from doing so, but these times are rare.
It is the same with every human activity, even with supposedly selfless activities like raising children or volunteering. The self is always the king, even if it is lurking in the shadows.
It is an impossible thing to fight for any length of time, not to mention, to continue doing even in the face of certain death for the physical self. There is nothing we can do except surrender and ask for forgiveness.
Strangely it is in giving up that we meet Jesus on the cross. After doing everything he could to win the people Jesus gave himself, and that is what he is asking from us.
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