When I think of what it means to believe in God, it feels a little bit crazy. It is so very outside my imagination, or maybe inside, that there is almost nothing to grasp onto.
Yet, I am supposed to stake my entire life to it.
Instructions on how to build faith in this unfathomable thing, the only clue of which is our personal feeling of existence, are built into the Bible as well as Buddhism and Taoism and to a lesser extent Judaism and Hinduism.
The instructions are to deny yourself/your ego. (Judaism and Hinduism were both rule and ritual based so this denial came through actual physical sacrifice – I will write a different post on that later).
This instruction to deny yourself, or whoever wishes to be first must become last, etc. is a central theme that you will notice in any of the major religious books.
So, how do I deny myself?
The first thing that comes to mind is to go full monk. And, famously, Buddha tried this for six years before deciding that this was not the way. The Bible also warns about the call of the ascetics.
It is actually a good thing that the warning is there. It seems fairly logical to reject everything about the physical world in order to find the spiritual world. On top of that, all the warnings that being granted the Spirit is not an easy thing and that many will fail make you ready to do something hard.
However, this type of rejection of the self has been rejected, because by focusing fully on fighting the physical world, you ironically place too much importance on the physical world.
Trying to connect to God purely through your actions in the physical world, means that you have not denied yourself.
When I think about it this way it becomes a little depressing because it seems impossible to deny yourself. Even in denying everything that I want I am focusing on myself.
Myself pervades who I am. I can’t just plug my ears and make me go away. I can still hear every self-doubt, desire, self-affirmation and every other survival motivated tick and craving. It is loud and overwhelming, and no matter what I try I can’t make it go away.
Even the Bible makes it sound hopeless.
- Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. Romans 8:5-8
The next step after denying the self is following God’s law, which is love God and everyone else more than yourself, and that is impossible when you are governed by your earthly desires. It almost seems like an endless circle or a paradox.
And it is, until we give up.
This for me is a super frustrating truth to accept. I think I might actually rather be a monk than give up control, and to be honest I am not even sure if I have yet.
I have recently engaged in a battle with my earthly desires. I am doing a 40 day fast of sugar and sex, and since I don’t have much of a problem with anger, I am covering what are generally referred to in the Bible as sins of the flesh.
What this has done is brought me face to face with myself, and it seems I am standing in the way of getting to God. The more I demand to understand, the further God seems, and when I give up and just trust I feel peace.
It is extremely hard to explain, especially since I don’t quite get it myself. I don’t think that understanding is wrong in itself, but the confidence that I am conjuring in myself by trying to understand is somehow blocking me.
I think that for everyone the path of denial of self will be different. In essence I guess it is what you base the whole idea of yourself on that you have to deny, as Jesus did by giving up his actual life.
I have a lot more thoughts on this subject, but in writing this I realized that I also have a lot more learning to do. I truly think that denial of the self is of the utmost importance. Look how much of the gospels is focused on the self-confident Pharisees, and the harsh words that Jesus has for them.
If it is a hard journey to deny yourself, it is also a worthwhile one. If anyone has any thoughts, I would love to hear them.
Thanks for reading.
Greg
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