People can tell when you are full of confidence, and they like you. People can tell when you are full of pride, and they don’t like you.
The problem is they both result in the feeling of being pretty awesome, so how do we tell them apart?
It all comes down to where the sense of worth comes from. Pride is the result of comparing yourself to others, and confidence comes from within.
I actually have something a little bit more useful to say about this ‘within’ place, but first I want to focus on the surprisingly tricky task of identifying pride.
Pride does a pretty good job hiding itself because it doesn’t want to get hurt, and admitting that you are full of yourself hurts your pride. One of pride’s best defenses is to convince you that you are actually awesome and you don’t need to hear about the difference between confidence and pride…
…Not listening, however, is probably the very best indicator that you are under the influence of pride.
When you are chatting with people watch how you respond. If every time someone tells you an idea or a story you respond with an idea or story of your own, you may not be listening. If your conversations sound a bit like a story/idea telling competition, you may be at risk of being prideful.
The real question is if you are listening to what the other person is saying or just immediately jumping to your own ideas.
“Let the wise listen and add to their learning and let the discerning get guidance.” Proverbs 1:5.
The Proverbs in the Bible are packed with sayings about the downfall of the prideful and the strength of the humble, as well as the foolishness of those who are quick to speak and the wisdom of those who listen. I literally just opened the book of Proverbs to the first chapter and came on that verse. Here are a few more:
“When pride comes then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2.
“A fool’s mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them.” Proverbs 14:3.
There are many more, but the basic idea is that if you don’t want to be a fool, swallow your pride and watch the way you talk.
Another indicator of pride is anxiety.
This is a tough one for me, and the reason why I am writing this blog post right now. Tomorrow I am launching a website that I have been working on for a while, and I am nervous.
I am nervous because what if I fail? What will people think?
Pride is super stressful. If I am wondering what people think of everything I do I will get nowhere. I had realizations as I was writing this post that I was imagining what different friends and family would think of it.
The funny/stupid thing is that you can never actually know what people are thinking, so living life trying to impress people is a pretty horrible motivation. However, examining our motivation will lead us to the mysterious location of ‘within’- the fountain of confidence.
Look at what drives you, if it is protecting the ones you love, or being good at your job, or a creating a better world, or whatever else, let that drive you, not what other people think about how good you are at accomplishing that goal.
This is not easy. It feels good to have other people think that you are awesome and it is human nature to try to feel good, but if your whole sense of self is built on what other people think, it will come crashing down.
There is a song that I loved as a kid, but didn’t really understand until now:
“Oh master grant that I may never seek: so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand and to be loved as love with all my soul.”
If what drives me in life is to love, not be loved, no one can take that away. That is how to gain confidence.
The picture was taken in the ancient temple district in west Cambodia it makes you realize how old these temples are.
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